Homesickness

I have not been as faithful about writing on my blog as I thought I would be.  Life here is quite busy.  Lately, the biggest challenge that is affecting me is homesickness.  I've always struggled with living in the moment.  I seem to always look to the future for the next step in life, and often times this leaves me mourning the past.  I sometimes recognize the gifts of life after they are taken away from me.  This is how homesickness feels.

I know homesickness is a normal stage of life in moving overseas.  Homesickness is like grieving the death of someone.  I am grieving the death of my former life.  I knew before moving that I would face this, but I had no idea how hard it would really be.  I'm starting to miss things I never realized I would miss.

Right now I am stuck at home because I am sick - literally sick.  I have some sort of virus - sore throat, headaches, sinus pressure.... Being sick has only heightened my awareness of my homesickness.  It's hard not having the comforts of home while I am sick.

A couple of years ago I got really really sick.  It was around the time of the H1N1 virus.  The doctor said that I didn't have the virus, but I had a hard time believing him considering the fact that I had all the same symptoms.  I think I missed work for a whole week.  What brought me the most comfort during this time were the things my family did for me.  My mom delivered new magazines and different kinds of soups to me every couple of days.

I have other memories of being sick and having my family take care of me.  Jason and I have moved around so much since the beginning of our marriage, that it was hard for us to develop a real sense of home.  Because of this, my parent's house has always been my home.  I grew up there.  I have so many memories there.  So when I am sick, it's nice to just be able to go over there for dinner.  I can't do that now.

Jason is doing a good job of taking care of me. However, there is just something about the comfort of a mom that no one can replace.  So yes, I wish I could just have my mom stop by with new magazines and some soup.  I think I would feel so much better.

While I've been facing my homesickness, I've been taking some time to think about all the things I miss.  I am no longer in denial about missing home.  It's a fact.  I miss it.  I miss the hills. Someone recently asked me what I did at home to relieve stress.  Before I moved to China, I couldn't answer that question very well.  But now that I don't have my stress reliever, it's quite clear to me what it was.  I would walk the hills.  Sometimes I would walk my parent's dogs. Sometimes I would walk with my mom or my dad and the dogs. Sometimes I walked with a friend.  And sometimes I just walked by myself.  It gave me a chance to think and clear my mind.  It gave me a chance to exercise.  It gave me a chance to breath in revitalizing fresh air.  It gave me a chance to admire the beauty of God's creation.  I also really enjoyed admiring all the beautiful homes.  I always felt better after walking.

There are no hills in the area I live in.  It's flat. I live in a big city, so it's also really congested with traffic.  I don't have the dogs to cheer me up here either.  The air is not fresh.  I live in one of the most polluted cities in the world.  When I walked the hills, I could escape people.  I can't ever escape people here.

Instead, I have joined a gym. It won't ever replace the satisfaction of my walks through the hills, but it will help me to stay healthy. It will give me a chance to exercise.  I have a friend that I work out with, so if I really need to vent, I will have that opportunity.  I think it will become my new stress reliever while I am here.

Another thing that I really miss is the freedom of driving a car.  I honestly didn't think I would miss this.  I am always content to let another person drive.  But I miss the ability to hop in the car and go where I want to go.  It's not that simple here.  I can get the basics by walking across the street to Walmart (which, by the way, is not like Walmart in the States).  I can walk to a fruit or veggie market to get my produce.  But aside from that, all of the other places I need to get to require a form of transportation. I have yet to take the bus here.  Buses here are a cheap way to get around, but they are very crowded and take a long time.  I can catch a taxi, but this requires the basic knowledge to tell the driver where you want to go - my Chinese is still very limited.  So sometimes, I just feel trapped.  Right now, Jason and I are in great need for a trip to Ikea.  Ikea is the place to get everything you need here.  Back at home, I would have had a number of stores to choose from, but here - it is just Ikea.  Winter is coming, and the weather is getting cold, so I really need to get over there so I can load up on more blankets and such.  But taking the bus is a two hour trip - one way! So we will most likely take a taxi, but going to Ikea becomes a whole day trip.  It's not like I can just hop in my car and stop by Fred Meyers after work.

We were told in our training before moving here that doing basic everyday things - like grocery shopping, paying bills, etc. - would take seven times longer here.  It is so true! Everything we do takes longer.  I miss the simplicity of life back home!

There are many other things I miss; perhaps I will write about them another day. Of course, the greatest source of homesickness is missing my family and my friends.  So please forgive my inconsistent communication.  Sometimes it's painful to communicate because it is a reminder of what I am missing.  I am working on it though.  I can't promise how consistent I will be at blogging either.

I know that all that I am feeling is a stage in life.  I don't know how long it will last, but I know that I am not alone in this.